At long last, I am breaking my blog silence to bring you – wait for it – a review of Taco Bell in London. Yes. They have them here. I first became sensible of this fact on the Russell Square Tube Station lift, thanks to an advertisement telling Londoners about a new location close to Senate House library. As I read, my pupils dilated and an unstoppable grin spread across my face. Joy suffused my whole being. I looked at the other commuters and tourists in the lift with me, bundled in grey coats and scarves, beleaguered expressions upon their faces, and wished that I could convey to them my feeling – my feeling that Heaven was here on earth, in London, and that it came with a side of queso.
In the United States, Taco Bell is one of my favorite fast food guilty pleasures. It’s not Mexican food, no matter how they package it, but it’s not not Mexican food, and who can resist a good Mexican ‘pizza,’ chalupa (which bears no resemblance to an actual chalupa that you might find in actual Mexico), and some nachos? So, given the dearth of Mexican food in this nation (or not-so-Mexican food, as the case may be), I had to give their Taco Bell a try.
I ended up at the Hammersmith location for lunch. The whole experience felt surreal, as if I were visiting Taco Bell in a dream. Nothing was quite like it ought to be, but still recognizably Taco Bell. The menu is pared back – the craziest thing on it is a ‘Triple Double Crunch Wrap’ (sort of like a slightly crunchy hamburger). No breakfast menu. No Doritos Loco tacos, no chalupas, no Gorditas. Worst of all, no Mexican pizza. Listen, I love Taco Bell in the middle of the day, but we all know those off-the-wall dishes are meant to play to the midnight stoner crowd. Guess Taco Bell UK hasn’t discovered its true calling yet.
The restaurant was surprisingly large given that we were in the middle of a city. They had touch screens for ordering, which maybe they do in the States now, too, but I’ve never used a Taco Bell touch screen. I clicked on the ‘Tacos’ tab. I added a basic Crunchy Taco to my cart. Unexpectedly, it gave me a choice of filling! I could have seasoned beef, grilled chicken, spicy Mexican chicken (whatever that means), slow cooked pork, or beans. I chose beef. Then it popped up and asked me if I wanted to add lettuce and cheese to my taco for an additional 30p per item. Not extra lettuce and cheese, as I could also add extra beef for 70p, but did I want lettuce and cheese AT ALL. What?! Isn’t the definition of a taco that it comes with more than meat and a shell? Well. I added the lettuce and cheese. I also got an order of nachos.
My order came up, and I secured a little table near the back. The first thing I noticed was that my nacho chips were nothing like Taco Bell USA chips. They were a heavier corn chip, kind of like cheap store-bought chips that you’d buy on sale, then wonder why you didn’t just splurge on Mission Organics chips. They were covered in what I thought was paprika, but on tasting seemed like a mix of paprika, salt, and whatever fake orange cheese comes on Doritos. The queso looked like the glorious-terrible plastic cheese of Taco Bell USA, but when I tasted it, it had a flavor more akin to Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese sauce. Still, I’ve been so starved for queso of any kind that by the time I was nearly done with my chips I’d convinced myself it was pretty good. After all, I was eating them in view of a light-up sign that read “Live Mas.” It was almost like being home. That, and my tacos were perfection. They were exactly like a Taco Bell taco should be.
As I finished inhaling my meal, I looked around at my fellow diners. I realized I was literally the only person who had nachos instead of fries. Everyone. Had. French Fries. At Taco Bell.
Excitingly, though, the guy next to me had the churro dessert option, which I’d considered getting, but didn’t, and it comes with a little container of dark chocolate sauce, and I might have to order that next time. What’s that, you say? Next time? Next time. Yes, in spite of my better judgement, I imagine that for me and Taco Bell – as always, whether in North America or across the pond – there will be a next time.
(My meal at Taco Bell Hammersmith. I nearly forgot to take a photo I was so excited, so I’d already eaten about half of it. Two crunchy beef tacos, an order of nachos and cheese, and some gross Pepsi Max thing because they have a soda fountain and I imagine they don’t want to put drinks with real sugar in so that they don’t have to pay an exorbitant sugar tax.)